Make marriage a top priority

by Gwen Allen
As said in a once famous song, “Love and marriage… love and marriage, it's an institute you can't disparage.”
Marriage is sacred, especially in the beginning when the hope of a happy future arrives in the exchange of “I do.” But as the years wear on and children enter the picture, bringing a lack of sleep and sometimes sanity, marriage can change, occasionally for the worse.
“Most marriages hit a low point when their kids are little, because their lives revolve around the needs of the children,” said Michael Mangis, PhD, licensed psychologist and director of Heartland Counseling. “So it is easy to let the relationship go. The problem is, when the kids get older and take less of their parents' time, some couples never reconnect.”
To preserve and protect the once-sacred union, Mangis said couples should take care early, before problems begin to develop.
“We like to call it marriage enrichment,” Mangis said. “We want couples to begin communicating before they have a problem, either with an older couple that serves as a mentor, their pastor or a counselor. Every relationship can benefit from an outside ear, even if it is just once or twice.”
With this approach, couples, especially those with little children, keep marriage front and center rather then letting it take a back seat, he said.
In addition, Mangis advises couples to connect with one-on-one communication at least one night a week and to take at least one date-night out a month.
“The time alone, together, should be spent in a relaxing, fun way without the focus on the kids,” Mangis said. “Don't spend this time airing frustrations, either about the kids or the relationship, because the other person may start dreading the time together.”
In another way to connect, he advises couples choose a hobby that is mutually enjoyed and done preferably without children.
“Dancing or a cooking class are great examples, because they allow you to do something fun together while sneaking in another date night,” Mangis said.
Even better are outdoor dates, he said. It is an easy way to get exercise, reconnect with nature and each other. Couples tired of dinner and a movie may find renewed energy in the relationship from a daytime date.
Mangis said although time together is good for a marriage, he also encourages time apart.
“Each partner needs to have separate friends, that they enjoy separate activities with, like bowling or going out for coffee,” Mangis said. “Having their own hobby or separate friends actually helps the marriage, as long as it is equal time out.”
Although time away from kids, either together or apart, is needed for a healthy marriage, he said a lot of couples remain reluctant in fear of hurting their children.
“It's actually good and healthy (for children) to learn and cope with other caring adults other then their parents,” Mangis said. “It builds their confidence, so you're not taking something away from them; rather you are modeling a healthy relationship.”
Heartland Counseling, in Elburn, is a nonprofit organization that provides a full range of psychological services for all ages.
For ideas to stay connected to your spouse, turn to page 7B

05/09/2008